


to love a cruel mistress

by Paradise_of_Mary_Jane



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-12
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-10-08 19:49:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17392604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Paradise_of_Mary_Jane/pseuds/Paradise_of_Mary_Jane
Summary: As a kid, he used to have two hobbies: ice and theatre.Leo has no idea how he managed it. He remembers a whirlwind of homeschooling, dance practice, skating practice, and acting practice. He thinks he may have had friends in between those, but he’s not sure. It’s hard to imagine he’d have time for anything other than what he wanted.Except he can’t have everything.





	to love a cruel mistress

**Author's Note:**

> My submission for the kingsonicezine
> 
> God, this fic is so long overdue. Honestly, my computer got messed up for a while and I genuinely lost this fic. I only found it again recently while digging through my google docs. Thank god for online clouds.
> 
> Anyway, onwards! Hope you enjoy :D

When Leo was very young, he dreamt of theatre.

He remembers being five or six the first time his parents took him to see a musical as a reward for doing so well on the ice. Ballet practice was exhausting, and the ice was more painful than it was fun, and he was trying to work up the courage to tell his parents that he really, really doesn’t like the feeling of everyone staring at him, waiting for him to mess up, but he knows his mother’s wide, delighted eyes whenever he does a spin just right that Leo doesn’t think he’s willing to give up, even at that age.

The first time he saw a show, he remembers staring wide eyed at the brightly lit stage, jaw open at the sweeping music. It’s not that he didn’t know about it before--music is as integral to his life as movement is--but never like this.

There was something about the loud, sweeping notes; the way the high notes it takes him into the sky, the very real way it pierces into his chest and contorts his heart any way it wants. Leo can’t really come up with a way to define it, even now, only that there was something that almost feels like truth in every way the songs are made, from the soaring soprano notes to the cracking sobs.

It doesn’t really hurt that they’re fun as hell.

Music takes over his life after that and it makes being on the ice easier. Makes it better. If he closes his eyes, he can imagine the notes creeping into his skin, taking control of his limbs to tell a story. He can pretend that the ice isn’t as big and empty as it actually is, lose himself in the tempo and the beat.

 

\--

 

The ice is fun, or he learns to take all the fun he can in it. There are jumps and spins and steps, and in between those things is a story. There’s music in his soul sometimes, and sometimes it comes out good. Most times it doesn’t, but when it does…

He’s ten and when he finishes a perfect program in competition, the first time he lands an axel jump, there’s a lightness in his chest he can’t quite explain. When the ice is filled with flowers and stuffed animals that it doesn’t look so terrifyingly big anymore…

When his mother smiles that smile of hers, showing her just how proud she is, shouting and cheering and clapping,  being as happy as she is…

When those things happen...

_ It just works.  _ It’s amazing and in those times, he almost convinces himself he loves it.

 

\--

 

As a kid, he used to have two hobbies: ice and theatre.

Leo has no idea how he managed it. He remembers a whirlwind of homeschooling, dance practice, skating practice, and acting practice. He thinks he may have had friends in between those, but he’s not sure. It’s hard to imagine he’d have time for anything other than what he wanted.

Except he can’t have everything.

Except he was only nine or ten or eleven or twelve at the time and there are only twenty-four hours in a day and it wasn’t nearly enough.

Except he’s thirteen or fourteen or fifteen and he can’t keep this up forever. The ice asks for a lot, asks for everything but theatre holds his soul. He can’t stay in the in-between, where he’s happy but also barely keeping up, not for much longer.

Except he’s sixteen and the choice is taken away from him.

Except he was a kid and he’s still a kid and he knows that he can’t have everything.

At some point, he makes a choice. Leo doesn’t really know what point that is. All he knows is that he loves seeing the look of pure joy on his mother’s face whenever he’s on the ice. She deserves to be that happy.

He breaks. He falls apart. He sits in the bathroom and cries and tries to remember how to breathe, how to move.

His mother finds him and she looked so heartbroken.

She asks him what he wants. Gently. No judgement. Full of kindness. Leo couldn’t really stand to be himself in that moment.

The theatre is fun with its singing and dancing. The knowledge that there’s more than one person, that there’s someone who’s going to catch you when you fall. 

Theatre is easier. There’s less to lose, less to break. Less exhausting, easier to love, loves you back. There are no contests in theatre, only the battle for a job well done. It’s a much easier standard to live by. The ice is cruel. The ice is painful.

The ice is heartbreak, is loss. It’s… It’s  _ lonely. _

He makes his choice and thinks of his mother. Thinks of how she loves him. How she looked at him in that moment. He doesn’t regret any of it, no matter how much it hurt.

 

\--

 

The break happens in what was supposed to be his last competition for the Juniors division: the Junior US Nationals. He’d barely been just been good enough for bronze in the seasons before but he thinks he might be good enough for gold this season. He’s sixteen and he’s just stopped his acting classes. It hurts but Leo’s very good at ignoring pain; you have to be if you want to be a figure skater and Leo has decided that he wants to be a figure skater.

Except maybe he can’t quite ignore it and it hurts.

Except it’s not really a hobby if it’s the only thing you do; then, it’s an obsession.

He’s sixteen and the ice is his life, and he thinks the ice will be his death. There’s not much out there for him, just the idea of a medal and the phantom cheers and his mother’s phantom smile.

The break happens slowly and all at once. It happens in the pain spreading in his chest, in the increasing difficulty it gets to get up in the morning. The ice had seemed colder, bigger, emptier.

It’s his short program and… he breaks.

He falls apart. Nerves frayed, and suddenly the crowds aren’t amazing but terrifying, his mother’s smile is a burden weighing him down.

He falls in his first jump and tears his ACL. Somehow, that wasn’t really the worst part.

Then, silence, or at least Leo couldn’t hear anything past his own screaming.

 

\--

 

Not like it was all bad. He did well in Juniors, considerably. Nothing big internationally or anything like that, but he won a couple of medals nationally. Some of them even gold which is cool. People say he has a future, when he gets older. Maybe even a chance in the top ten but Leo doesn’t really care for that kind of thing.

He loves the cheers. Loves knowing he did a good job. Loves the flowers and loves the fact that he’s built up quite the collection of stuffed animals. He loves the look on his mother’s face whenever he finishes a clean routine.

The fans don’t hurt either.

Theatre was fun while it lasted. Except it didn’t really last. The other actors were a lot like friends. He didn’t really have time to hang out with them but they were kind to him. They did Les Mis together and that’s just the kind of thing you can’t go through without ending up as friends. Almost all of them are older than him but they treat him like one of their own.

He plays Gavroche one time. The next season, he was in the chorus of Wicked. The one after that is Beauty and the Beast. Amateur productions but Leo is damn proud of them.

He didn’t quite want to give them up but he knows he can’t have everything. It’s only a matter of choosing what’s most important.

It’s not quite what he wanted but for a while it was good. For a while, it was really, really great actually. Leo would almost say he was happy.

Doesn’t stop bad things from happening, but it was good while it lasted.

 

\--

 

“I didn’t mean for it to hurt,” his mom says.

Leo tries to smile. It doesn’t quite work. He’s at home and it kinda hurts to realize that he’s not really used to it. He doesn’t know what home is, not when he’s spent his entire life away from it.

It’s not a good day. Thoughts are dwelling, lingering, making him feel like shit. These are the days when the losses compound and the victories seem meaningless.

“I’m fine,” he says. And he is, or he will be. If he tells himself that enough times, it’ll eventually come true.

It’s been a year. His ACL is technically better but the thought of going back to the ice is nauseating.

“Leo I--”

“It’s fine Mama,” he says. “It’s going to get better.”

He hasn’t been on the ice for a year. It’s not really getting better. Everything’s been quiet, just thoughts pounding against the walls of his skull. Everything’s just quiet. Leo doesn’t quite know what to do with himself.

His mom looks like she knows this too. She smiles, kinda small and kinda watery, and presses something to his hand. 

Leo looks up, surprised. “Mama?”

“Watch,” she says. “Be happy.”

Tickets to a show. He doesn’t think he’s seen one in years. Too many things, much more important.

It kinda hurt too, seeing what he could have been, what he wanted to be, what he loved but never had. It’s a hurt Leo’s not quite willing to admit to himself.

“Be happy,” she says again. “I just want you to be happy.”

Leo tries to smile again. It works a bit better this time. He’s not really sure he knows how to be happy but his Mom is trying so he can, too.

 

\--

 

The show is only the beginning. 

He fills up his ipod with music, not for skating, like he used to, but just for him. Some show tunes, some not. Some happy, some not. It’s easier, just letting the music fill him. It’s a good substitute for… whatever he’s been doing before. Lets him remember how music filled him up, got into his limbs, his soul. Remember how everything added up back to it. How movement made everything better. How being alive is so much easier when there are notes beating in time with your heart.

It’s just easier. 

Not enough to bring him back to the ice but…

Easier. He can deal with easier.

He can work with that.

He sketches out a program and hopes he’ll actually get to use it.

 

\--

 

The new coach at his skating club is a miracle.

She’s rough and kind all at once. A past ladies gold medalist, remembered for having the look of being gentler and lighter than air. Now, her eyes are sharp, voice cutting. She takes one look at him and welcomes him with not quite open arms, but that works out just fine. Leo’s still not sure he wants to come back.

His mom hadn’t pushed him to go back, that was all Leo. He wanted to go back, wanted to see if there’s anything left for him on the ice. He walked into a skating club and asked. He didn’t think much of what would come after.

“Tell me what you want,” she asks.

Leo shrugs. “I want to skate.”

She gives him a look. He gets the impression she’s very good at that.

“Not win?”

His new coach won a lot of medals. Heaps and heaps. Then she walked away and disappeared from the community for years. No one quite knew what happened to her. She came back, her hair cut to her ears, smile sharper than barbed wire.

“Not yet,” he says. “I think I just want to have fun for now.”

"Good,” she says. “I think this is going to work out well.”

 

\--

 

Skate America was the first step. Gold wasn’t something he expected but it’s a good thing. It’s a good start.

Then, he fucks up the Cup of China and it feels like he’s falling apart all over again. He feels everyone’s disappointment like a stab to the heart.

“You’ll get through this,” his coach tells him. “Pain passes.”

“Then what?”

“Then you get back up.”

“What if I can’t?”

She gives him a look, sharp and gentle all at once. Her arms wrap around his shoulder and she holds him close.

“We both know that’s not true,” she says.

"I hate this,” he says.

“You told me you want to skate. So you skate.”

Leo closes his eyes and listens to his heartbeat. Winning and losing never mattered to him, but losing means messing up and he doesn’t like that. He wants to be good. Wants to make everyone around him happy.

“I’m going to get better,” he says.

 

\--

 

He doesn’t qualify for the GPF.

Leo turns on his ipod and takes a deep breath. Upbeat music, soaring notes, voices crying and laughing and everything else.

Stories of hope. Stories where things get better, in their own way. He can work with that. He  _ can. _

He takes a deep breath and remembers how to be alive.

 

\--

 

It’s the US Nationals and things are…

_ It’s amazing. _

He’s been there before but never like this, never with the chance to win. Never as the favorite.

He’s never been here, breathing this easy. The ice seems warmer, if that makes sense, more welcoming. The crowd sounds more like they’re cheering and not shouting. It’s a sound he’s missed.

He skates and it’s the first clean skate he’s had since from before. It’s the first time he remembers why he’s actually doing this, that there is a lightness in it, a sense of soaring and of flying. That this music is his and no one can take that away from him.

What he gave up wasn’t a sacrifice, it was choosing. It wasn’t giving up, not giving in, and now he knows not to give it all, either; he’s learned to leave some from himself.

Love is hard to find and easy to forget. Leo is glad that he remembers.

The medal is heavy on his chest, but it doesn’t matter. He never wanted to win but he thinks he may have gotten what he wanted anyway. He won gold and it weighs him down, pulling him to the earth, but there was something about how the crowd roars, how he sees tears in his parents’ eyes and how flowers litter the ice. It seems warmer this way, decorated with so much color; so much life.

It’s a victory and it’s amazing. In this moment, Leo remembers that he’s a bit in love with the ice,  too.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, comments give me life <3


End file.
